My environment, as a child, was riddled with wrath. Lying in bed I would count the seconds till my first beating of the day. Daybreak brought blood. Abuse was an advertisement on TV. My world was survival. What did I do to inherit this hate filled Utopia? Nothing. This is the lottery that I won. Out of the millions of families to be born into I was born into a life of hate.
We are the product of our environment.
We have two natures to feed. One is good. The other is evil. I fed the wrong one. Each day I cared less and less. Everything wrong soon felt right. Right was the antithesis of my environment. Right did not match the product of my life. People brought war to this world. I studied history and fed on the repetitive message of death and despair. The television was my window beyond my hell. Murder, death, and war are what it preached every night. What’s the point of being good if the good die young?
I fed my hate until it became a behemoth. I could crush a person’s soul within sixty seconds. I loved to watch people cry. Cry for me so that I may know that you feel pain as much as I do. I didn’t burn bridges, I burn villages. Hate breeds hate, and hate felt right. Hate comes easy to the unwise.
Then one day my underfed morsel of a crumb known as my good side met a friend. I too came to like this person. She was not perfect, but without trying she seemed to be so. Her words were kind and she never raised her voice in anger. She spoke of the future as though prosperity was on her horizon and she wanted me to come along. When I was with her I hid my evil behemoth. With her, I started feeding the good. It started to grow. It felt different at first. Without even trying I found that I could bring happiness to others. I started to neglect my bad side and focused on the good. This brought on a conflict of interest that left scars on both of our lives. Wars within will always cross over into reality. What fill the heart fill our words; and words can slay without mercy.
I found myself battling the behemoth that I had once loved. I fought to protect the one person who believed in me. I was not going to let my inner demon hurt her. Every day I fought and struggled to keep a leash on the darkness within. But there is no tangible leash that can hold a behemoth. I was out of control. I had fed the wrong side and now the one good that found its way into my life was about to be destroyed. I was going to lose her forever.
In the moment of being alone and defenseless…
In the darkness within, where I am alone…
I was not alone.
The underfed morsel of a crumb was still there by my side. Only difference is, it too had grown into a behemoth. Calmness fell over me. I was no longer out of control. Neither side crossed the other. However, I was the verdict that chose which side got to eat. With the lessons learnt from the past I fed my good nature. This may sound like a sacred solace that presents the words “Happily Ever After.” But, this is no fairytale. The problem with the two natures within is that they never reduce in size. Starve them and they wait till it’s time to lash out. I have learnt that wisdom is the harness that leashes these natures.
I am the ruler of two behemoths.
A little fun with imagery. It’s one of the products of writing that I love. Cheers 🙂